Kids are awesome

I wish I could adequately describe the range of emotions I have felt in the last 24 hours.  They ranged from anxiety, fear, sadness, nostalgia to joy, exhilaration, light-heartedness.  For a fairly even-keel (if only on the outside) person, I was pretty much exhausted from sheer emotion by the end of the day.  I was not on my "take-a-photo-and-document-everything" A-game yesterday and missed my opportunity to photograph the 20mL syringe of cells that is going to repopulate my daughter's bone marrow.  Why? Because I was too busy propping myself/lying across Reese's bed trying to make sure she didn't budge so that not one drop of cells would get lost.  My heart was pounding the whole time.  I was watching the monitor. I was watching her.  I was watching the clock.  I was watching the other people in the room to make sure they weren't concerned about anything I might have missed (ha, like that's possible...)  I was keeping myself steady so I didn't hit the ground.  I kept tearing up and fighting it back.  Kept not looking at Brian so I wouldn't start bawling my eyes out. (I'm sure the medical staff would have thought that I was nuts because they do this ALL the time) When something has to be done for your child or your family, you just DO it, no matter how hard.  The mama bear (or papa) comes out and it's ALL about protecting and caring for your child.  Though we aren't DONE yet fighting for Reese, yesterday was definitely a milestone and I was able to breathe a small sigh of relief (briefly) before we start this next period of challenge.

After Reese woke up (no anesthesia was given but she decided to take a nap through the whole thing), she stretched and looked up at us with a smile.  She doesn't really understand how difficult her life has been the past 7 months.  She is one of the happiest babies I have ever seen.  She is great at soothing herself and smiles ALL the time.  She smiles more now than she did before her diagnosis.  I can't help but think that God did that for her crazy, worn-out mommy.  One of those, "thank you God for hearing my prayers and knowing what I really need" moments.  Everyone notices her smile, from the nurses/docs caring for her to the technician who came to fix her monitor today.  His quote: "We need to put a smile meter on this monitor but then yours would always be going off."

Charlotte and Philip have handled this time incredibly well considering.  Per report of our awesome babysitter, Charlotte was at home this morning getting her baby doll "Reese" ready to go to the hospital.  She consistently talks about Reese and asks about her and tells others that her baby sister is "so sick and sore" in the hospital.  Philip is walking most of the time and climbing on EVERYTHING.  He is a good sleeper and an expert eater (this with only 2 teeth and 2 more peeking through).

It is really fun to see Charlotte and Philip interact.  They love each other and rough each other up (Charlotte does more damage for the time being but I expect this will change within a year or two). They laugh at each other and want to do what the other is doing.  Sometimes when I see them doing things together, I get sad because Reese has missed out on a lot of the "firsts" with Philip.  He sat, crawled, walked, ate, took a bath in the big tub, played at the children's museum, etc without her.  When I dreamed of what life with my twins would look like, I didn't picture separation.  However, Charlotte and Philip have forged a deep bond and I'm extremely thankful that Philip was there with Charlotte (instead of her being the only child left at home while mommy and daddy are away).  Charlotte, who is not always gentle and has a bit of a tornado-like personality, is incredibly sweet and caring for Reese.  When adults are timid to touch/interact with Reese because of her apparent fragility, Charlotte runs right up to her when she cries, sings her a song, gives her a toy or just touches her hand.  It's amazing.

It has been a long 7 months and Reese still has to go through this engraftment period and recover counts.  She still has to be on isolation and we still have to get our house into pristine condition/keep it there while her immune system recovers.  We still have to do MRIs every 3 months or more to make sure that there is no tumor growing back.  We may have to do battle with it again (but I PRAY not).  We will always worry if Reese has a headache or loses her balance...or any other number of things that could signal a problem.  We still have to do rehab so that she can catch up on all her milestones that have been stunted while lying in a hospital bed or feeling sick or having major brain surgery.

What makes me cry more than anything? The vision of all 3 of my kids playing together.  The vision of Reese and Philip's first day of kindergarten together.  The vision of poor Philip surviving with two sisters to push him around.  The vision of Reese with hair (though she is pretty cute without it ;).  The vision of Reese wearing cute dresses like her big sister (instead of sleepers with buttons so that we can hide her lines from her).  The vision of Reese taking a bath with the other 2.  The vision of "normalcy" for us all.

The doctors have explained that Reese may have long-term issues from what she has endured.  She may not do as well in school.  She may not hear as well.  She may have attention-deficit.  Her permanent teeth may be malformed or not come in at all.  She may not be able to have children.  I know that these things can/will be difficult to explain to her later, but then I remind myself that if I am explaining these things...We have WON because she is with us.

I have read lots of things from cancer survivors or families who have survived (some with and sadly some without the cancer patient) the war with cancer.  A consistent theme is that the cancer made them see and appreciate the small things in life, the things that you take for granted.  Raising 3 kids so close in age is HARD work and I'm thankful for some perspective to appreciate what I've been given.

I'm praying that I will be crying A LOT (happy, deep JOYFUL crying) in the next year as I watch Reese return home, recover and do all those things above and MORE.  I pray that God would use our lives to glorify Him.  He has certainly been tender to us in the midst of our circumstances.

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5